The inspiration for this post takes us back to Westbury, New York, on a very special occasion: the grand opening of PDQ, an all-American fried chicken sangwich place that came roaring into existence after the heat that was the Popeyes chicken sandwich craze. Melissa and I were eager to try the artery clogging sangwich for ourselves, and ended up at the right place at the right time—PDQ on the day of its grand opening. I swear this wasn’t an orchestrated event that I crafted in order to dupe Melissa into eating bad food, although it had all the ingredients to the standard recipe.
We had gone to Old Westbury Gardens for the day, and afterward were trying to find a Staples nearby where I could print out the first draft of a middle grade dark fantasy novel that I’ve been querying into oblivion ever since. Out of sheer luck, the aforementioned Staples was located directly next to PDQ! We’d seen the construction take place over the past few months and couldn’t believe we got there just when the gates were finally opened. We ordered, got the goods (chicken sangwich and strips), and ran off onto the traffic-jammed highway to get back to the city and to dream of the grease of chicken’s past.
You might be asking: 1) Why did I click on this article? and 2) What does this have to do with koalas? I’m getting there damnit.
In the euphoria of post-chicken indulgence, our minds were racing at the potential meaning behind the name PDQ. What did it have to do with chicken? Turns out, nothing. A quick Google search brought us to their website, and after a brief second or two of Melissa trying to navigate said website, we found our answer: it stood for People Dedicated to Quality.
People dedicated to quality? More like people dedicated to Koalas!
Get it? We sure did, and proceeded to think that was the most hilarious thing ever. Two years later, we still use the word koala as a stand-in for the word quality. For example: “Now that’s, koala-T,” Melissa said Friday night after tasting the delicious meal I had made. Suddenly our world was never the same. PDQ, unknowingly had changed our lives and brought us closer to koalas than we ever though possible.
Hi. It’s Melissa. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “What are you doing here? It’s John’s day. Bring him back.”
I don’t really have a good response to this, so imagine me slowly backing away with my hands in the air as if retreating from an aggressive koala during mating season.
John recounted this story perfectly, all the way up to that excellent (ahem, koala-T) meal that he cooked on Friday. Now I really know what you’re thinking. What was the meal? If I told you now, that would ruin the suspense for the rest of the post, so please be patient.
Anyway, we feasted, and afterwards, John went out, leaving me home alone with koalas on the brain.
Turns out, there’s an absolutely riveting two-part docu-series on Paramount Plus called The Secret Life of the Koala. It’s a good show. If you’re interested, watch it (although I’ll probably spoil the juiciest parts of it for you now).
Turns out, koalas are awesome. They’re also extremely weird, and more than a little gross. (It’s John again. She’s lying to you. They’re horrifying and downright disgusting!)
The first episode of The Secret Life of the Koala was titled “Mating Season” (this is a show that knows what its audience wants), and it delivered what it promised. Koalas during mating season are absolute savages. Although they’re normally solitary animals, during mating season, male koalas travel through the eucalyptus trees they inhabit in pursuit of females, diffusing their stench throughout each branch that they traverse by rubbing against them with the built-in scent gland in their chests and letting out little dribbles of urine.
It's not an attractive image, is it? The female koalas must not think so either, because koala sex can only be described as rapey. Male koalas initiate breeding by savagely attacking females, often several times before the female finally stops fighting them off and decides to just let it happen. There’s a reason for this—apparently the first rape (erm, copulation) attempt is what stimulates ovulation in the female. (“Jesus Christ!” -John)
It’s all very violent and kind of grotesque. It’s no wonder that about one in five koalas that are taken from the wild to be studied by researchers ends up being treated for chlamydia. Yes, there’s a koala-specific strain of chlamydia, which researchers are currently working on a vaccine for. Isn’t science wonderful?
Then there are the joeys.
Yes, to the disdain of all men named Joey everywhere, baby koalas are called joeys. I say disdain because they’re all shit-eating little pests, and I mean that completely literally. In order for young koalas to wean off of their mothers’ milk and onto their harsh diet of eucalyptus leaves, they need a special type of gut bacteria that they get from a special type of poop called ‘pap’ which they drink directly from their mothers’ buttholes. Yum.
Anyway, I’m being harsh on the koala. They’re actually kind of cool. Koala joeys are super cute, female koalas are very dedicated mothers, and they’re all very agile climbers. They have to be. They live in trees, after all.
They’re also the only species of animal in the world that can eat eucalyptus leaves, which are extremely poisonous to most animals. This makes them impervious to most predators—since they absolutely wreak of toxins, they’re not very appetizing.
You might be thinking “Melissa, this sounds like another negative.” In some ways, it is. They’re very unappealing animals, as we’ve established. But they’re so unappealing that apart from Me-Too (erm, mating) season, the life of a koala is actually pretty sweet.
Seriously. No one bothers them. They live all by themselves, and all they do is eat, poop (sometimes in their babies’ mouths, and sometimes on the tourists and koala researchers walking around below them), and sleep. Since they spend most of their energy digesting their ultra-poisonous diet, they sleep for 80% of the day.
Fun fact: koalas have one of the lowest brain-to-body ratios in the animal kingdom, and the highest intestine-to-body ratio in the animal kingdom. They’re designed to eat and be lazy, and they’re way too dumb to care. Doesn’t it sound blissful? They actually have a special cartilage strip on their asses designed so that they could sit on tree branches more easily. It’s absurd!
Anyway, I hope you learned something, and I’m sorry to have taken you away from John this Sunday. In case you’re still burning with suspense, the meal was pasta with chicken in tomato sauce. Phew. You can all relax now.
We promise this post wasn’t a paid advertisement from PDQ. (Although we wouldn’t turn our nose up at the opportunity—Hey, PDQ! If you’re reading this, we love your chicken and we love sponsorships! How does the honor of being Thinking Man’s first PAID sponsor sound?)
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(All of the information in this post is courtesy of The Secret Life of the Koala and this YouTube video:
Well this was fascinating and disgusting… maybe a bit disturbing but most informative! All the necessary (except maybe for the disgusting which added a moment of surprise along with a gag reflex) components of a great read. Back in the day pdq stood for pretty damn quick. Loved this 🥰✨✨
Koala lore; Dang I spent a good two hours down under in OZ (Actually it was a month, but time flies when you're having fun!) and never learned and didn't know that! ;-)