Snow Angel

Think Tank #56

I’ve never been ‘into’ ritual.

When my college graduation was canceled at the very start of Covid, I counted my lucky stars that I was able to get out of that thing blame-free.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to claim that I’m some kind of special breed because I don’t enjoy graduations. Who enjoys graduations?

That’s my point.

Everyone is in agreement that the ritual sucks, but my parents would have been very disappointed if I had willingly denied them the opportunity to sit in a crowded auditorium for four hours to wait for my opportunity to walk across a stage with a silly hat for thirty seconds to pick up my fake diploma.

People endure—no, they actually embrace—some god-awful stuff because of convention.

I’m sounding like an asshole again, aren’t I?

But think about it objectively. Graduations are the most extreme example. But there’s also weddings, christenings, birthdays—even funerals, if you’re jaded enough to admit it. What’s the point of all this stuff?

Well, the point is slightly different for all of them. Funerals are allegedly a comfort to the family. Weddings are mainly an excuse for everyone the couple cares about to get together in the same room.

But if this is the case, why are you not ‘allowed’ to dispense with all of the stuff that makes these things unpleasant? Like how weddings generally require uncomfortable clothing, and guests typically need to drive for an hour to get to them even though the only tolerable way to get through them is by taking full advantage of the open bar. Or how wakes last for hours, and when someone you cared about just died, you probably don’t want to socialize with your deceased relative’s estranged friends, or that aunt and cousin that you hate who you haven’t seen since the last death in the family.

The reason I’m thinking about all of this is because I’m going wedding dress shopping—an experience which, if you consult certain people, is supposed to be ‘magical,’ but to someone who has abstained from shopping (and fancy occasions) their entire life, is an absolute nightmare.

Apparently I’m ‘running late,’ despite it being eight months until the actual wedding, and, if I’m being honest, I’m kind of bitter about the whole thing.

Don’t get me wrong—the idea of the marriage is great. I’m even alright about the party, although I wish it was a couple hours shorter and significantly less formal, and that it didn’t have to involve being bombarded by all hundred-something obligatory guests at the same time.

But why are all these things so expensive? And why is it impossible to buy a floor-length white dress off the rack, without making an appointment for someone to be there watching you the whole time? And why does it have to be white, anyway? I look terrible in white.

But it’s alright. Like graduations and christenings and funerals, the event isn’t really for its alleged ‘honeorees,’ anyway, but for their families, who will gripe and complain on their way to the thing, gripe about wanting to leave sometime before coffee is served, but will definitely, absolutely gripe several times as hard if you decide not to have the thing at all.